The Last Day

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down/Darkness be over me, my rest a stone/Yet in my dreams I’d be nearer, my God, to Thee” Nearer, My God, to Thee – Sarah Flower Adams

 

They stopped taking garbage about two weeks ago. There was still a Public Works Department in the sense that the building they house the garbage trucks is still standing, and if you really wanted your garbage collected you could probably figure out how to get the truck started and if you were really lucky enough, no one had thought to siphon the gasoline from the trucks, so you just might make it to your house and back provided you didn’t hit a skid of garbage juice and careen the truck into someone’s home. They, the public works people, weren’t coming back. The summer kids, all fresh out of high school, were making $8.50 an hour at best and the salaried workers weren’t doing much better. And yet people had still put their garbage out, though some rebellious types neglected to put on stickers. It was the little things you missed. You didn’t realize how much you needed sanitation workers until the streets filled with garbage ooze; an olive-green liquid squeezed from spoiled meat, cat food, and baby shit. To add to the list of things you take for granted; your nose. These smells never went away, you just get used to them.

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Loki: A Cat’s Story

Yesterday was Loki-versary.  You probably don’t know who Loki is, let alone why his anniversary is important.  Loki is my girlfriend’s cat.  An American Domestic with dark stripes and an M on his forehead.  Two years ago he came into her (our) life (lives).  Loki has to be the most socialized, people-friendly cat I have ever met, and resembles that of a dog in his need to follow any human that will give him attention.  Aside from the respiratory condition, causing him to leave chunky boogers on walls and his penchant for knocking things over in the middle of the night for attention it has been smooth sailing.   That wouldn’t make a great article.  The story of how we got him, however, is.

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How Presidential Candidates Reflect Our Mundane Lives

Unless you were part of a recently liberated, anti-technology doomsday cult, you probably know by now that election season is upon us.  And whether you’re afraid of terrorism or enraged at our oligarchical system, it’s likely that you have already made up your mind on who you’re voting for.  But allow me to tap an idea into your brain; the idea that maybe we are choosing all wrong.  Healthcare?  Abortion?  Foreigners?  These things don’t apply to me.  You know what does?  Traffic, deciding where to go for lunch, losing something although you swore you just had it a minute ago, etc.  Everyday things we all do.  Instead of voting for these people based on what they say, let’s vote based on how they reflect us in everyday life.

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Build Your Own Moral Panic: A Guide

Satan!  Gay People!  Teenage Sexual Experimentation!  Are you freaked out yet?  No, and why would you be?  These are just a grouping of words with exclamation points on them to make it seem like I am yelling at you.  But if I were to add to them and say something like Teenagers are joining the Church of Satan and sacrificing animals and even people we get something like The Satanic Panic of the 1980s.   I tell you that teenage girls are putting different colors of lipstick on and blowing teenage boys to create a rainbow effect on their dicks, you get Rainbow Parties.  These are two examples of moral panics.  Moral panics normally start as some kind of urban legend that eventually gets fed into the populace as fact, via religious groups or the daytime talk show audience.  And since no one watches talk shows and God is effectively dead, it has come to my attention that America hasn’t had a good moral panic since the early 2000s.  Let’s change that.

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The 2016 Jancademy Awards

Will everyone please be seated?  Or standed?  Whatever.  The 1st Annual Jancademy Awards will commence.  Tonight we award the best, the brightest, the most technically inspiring of 2015.  Let’s start. Leo, sit down.  No one’s called you yet.  They might not at all.  You can’t see it but imagine Leonardo DiCaprio really sad that a literal nobody just told him to do something.

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An Open Letter To My Jans

Dear Loyal Tuesdays With Jan Fans (Jans?),

I have spent the better part of one year crafting this blog, giving you dry witticisms, laughter, and tears.  From my biting satire on Elite Daily articles and The Donut Heist, to my raucous posts on Social Media tropes, to the real stuff like my post about Cole or my grandmother.  However, in doing this blog, I have amassed some debt.  53 Million Dollars to be exact.  And so, instead of releasing my blog to everyone for a small fee, I have to resort to drastic measures.  Starting next week, all future Tuesdays With Jan articles will be TIDAL Exclusives.  Sure, I could probably do well keeping it out there, asking for donations through GoFundMe or Kickstarter, but it just seems smart to pigeon-hole myself instead of reaching out to the entire market.  The bright side?  By going to TIDAL, the blog quality will be microscopically better, so you will get a firecracker bang for your buck.  And so, with that, I hope you all go over to TIDAL and subscribe to TIDAL so you can get TWJ and other TIDAL exclusives.  I hear Kanye West is over there too, but I’m not positive.

Don’t Torrent Me!

Jan.

The Banes Of My Existence

While they differ, everyone has those one or two appliances/products they have to buy every couple months because they break so easily for them.  My parents buy vacuums about as often as they buy groceries.  My brother is on the start of his monthly tablet/kindle, but I can’t tell if that one is intentional or not.  Here are the banes of my existence.

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