Surviving A Celebrity Death

Oh no!  A celebrity you are aware of but not a fan of has died.  And in an age of rapid information sharing and crippling social anxiety being a meme, you panic.  You have to show your support for your friends who are fans of these passed celebrities.  Here are some tips for surviving a celebrity death.

Don’t Question Anything

Doris Roberts lived to be 90, you think to yourself.  That’s a long, happy life.  A lot longer than you’ll make it, what with your $40 a week fast food habit, poor exercise, and coffee IV.  But there’s one thing you should know, and that is It will never be good enough.  Even though you and most people haven’t thought about Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond since ELR went off the air over a decade ago, she needs to stay alive because we demand it.

Express Grief

Twitter is convenient for keeping up on who has died, because you’ll see what hashtags are trending.  You go on and see #RIPGarryShandling has been tweeted 25k times.  You look into it and you realize that you don’t recognize Garry Shandling.  STUPID, STUPID IDIOT, you curse yourself and start smacking yourself in the forehead.  But you see people you know tweeting it, and wanting to be in the loop, and not wanting to seem a heartless, sociopathic monster, you know to have to fit in.  #RIPGarryShandling is all you tweet.  And in a time like this, that is enough.

Express Condolences.

When Lemmy of Motorhead died, you weren’t shocked.  It was reported that he substituted cigarettes for oxygen and a bottle of whiskey a day for hydration.  But how dare you disrespect the dead in such a way, especially with all these people he left behind.  It’s something you consider, but then you realize that you don’t know any immediate family members of Lemmy.  But you do know the guy wearing a Black Sabbath shirt, weeping, thinking that Ozzy died.  And you know the girl who has Ace of Spades on an old IPod she doesn’t use anymore.  Give them a hug.  Tell them it’s going to be okay.  Tell them that you’re sorry for their loss.

Demand Their Unreleased Material Be Released

Prince literally just passed, and as you can tell we are all broken up.  He was a pop music innovator that died suddenly.  He even recently canceled plans to write a memoir.  We’re all in mourning here, and as a token of respect for the artist, we need everything he never planned to release.  But wouldn’t that be disrespecting the dead?  He had those unreleased for a reason, surely.  But you are goddamn wrong.   He is an artist but he is also a puppet, and if we want him to dance, alive or not, we will make him dance.   Unrelated, but what is up with his wacky logo?

So know this, it is going to be okay.  You’re going to seem like a caring individual, and you might even get scores of unreleased material out of it.  You will be fine.

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