How Presidential Candidates Reflect Our Mundane Lives

Unless you were part of a recently liberated, anti-technology doomsday cult, you probably know by now that election season is upon us.  And whether you’re afraid of terrorism or enraged at our oligarchical system, it’s likely that you have already made up your mind on who you’re voting for.  But allow me to tap an idea into your brain; the idea that maybe we are choosing all wrong.  Healthcare?  Abortion?  Foreigners?  These things don’t apply to me.  You know what does?  Traffic, deciding where to go for lunch, losing something although you swore you just had it a minute ago, etc.  Everyday things we all do.  Instead of voting for these people based on what they say, let’s vote based on how they reflect us in everyday life.

Donald Trump-Drunk Me

I should probably preface this by saying I’m not a racist or misogynist but that’s exactly what a racist or misogynist would say.  And I’m not saying I am when I drink, either.  But give me an embarrassingly minute amount of alcohol and I get extremely confident.  I begin to see the world as I imagine Donald Trump sees it.  My vision blurs to the point that I don’t see faces.  I just see listening bodies, whether they want to hear me or not.  I stumble and repeat myself.  As normal me takes 5 for the night, I look around the bar or party thinking, no one here knows I’m drunk.  They can’t even tell.  Ladies and gents, I think I just figured out Trump’s campaign strategy.

Ted Cruz-Finding Out My Parents Ate My Food

Every photo of Ted Cruz is a reaction I have when I find out my mom, dad, or both ate a slice of pizza I was saving or enough buffalo chicken bites to turn my leftovers into a snack instead of a meal.  I start off concerned but hopeful, thinking they may have been moved to the back.  Then, upon finding the box and noticing the weight distribution slightly off my mouth begins to gape until I am in pout mode.  This lasts until the microwave properly heats up the food.

The 4 Stages of Sullied Leftovers

John Kasich-When I Didn’t Hear What My Girlfriend Was Saying

We’ve all been there, am I right fellas?  I imagine some bro reading these words and yelling ‘heck yeah!’ then fist-bumping their computer/phone screen.  When I watch John Kasich in interviews, it seems to me that he’s aware the Republican Party has some gosh-darn bad opinions on things, but I feel that his answers lack any real substance.  It seems to me that he bases his answers on the cadence of the last word the reporter said.  He’ll then answer with something empty like “I think abortion is bad.”  I’m a great boyfriend.  Probably the best out there.  The Michael Jordan of being present.  But, occasionally, I will misunderstand or not quite catch what my girlfriend was saying.  However, I am very astute and can tell that she is smiling or not smiling when her words stop.  Based on this, I give a hearty laugh or an ‘oh dang.’

*author’s edit: We’re fighting now.

Hillary Clinton-Discovering Something Way Later Than Everyone Else

Netflix and Chillary’s recent realization that middle class Americans and young people exist, and the other realization that for some reason they are unhappy.  This reminds me of every time I get into a musician that has been popular for years.  Have you guys listened to the new Biebs?  It’s so good.  Hundreds of millions of people have been listening to him for years.  I got into Kanye West after Dark Fantasy but before Yeezus.  The guy was popular for about a decade before I torrented him.  Books have been pretty popular for a couple thousand years.  It took me nearly completing an English major to become a voracious reader.  These examples are not new, but they feel new to me, and because of that I can relate to Hillary in her recent acknowledgment that people are unhappy with the system.

Bernie Sanders-When A Place Doesn’t Have Infinite Free Refills

I went to Wegmans the other day and bought myself a hoagie.  I know myself and I know what will go down great with this hoagie, Pibb Xtra.  So I purchased a cup for a drink and went over to one of those Coca-Cola Freestyle machines, a sugary jukebox, where diabetic fairies give you hundreds of soda options.  I selected cherry Pibb Xtra and enjoyed my lunch.  Before leaving any place that allows access to fill my own cup, I decided to refill so I could have Pibb on the go.  On refilling I read a notice that said Everyone is entitled one refill per cup.  And while it was my one refill and I doubt there’s a guy watching the security camera for people sneaking more refills, I was enraged.  I think every American should be entitled to infinite free refills.  Why should those corporate fat cats restrict my access to a slow inevitable death?  The 1% don’t care about people, they only care about profits.  It sickens me.  I don’t think soda is a big part of Bernie’s platform, but it goddamn should be.

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