Will everyone please be seated? Or standed? Whatever. The 1st Annual Jancademy Awards will commence. Tonight we award the best, the brightest, the most technically inspiring of 2015. Let’s start. Leo, sit down. No one’s called you yet. They might not at all. You can’t see it but imagine Leonardo DiCaprio really sad that a literal nobody just told him to do something.
First we’ll do a couple awards that don’t deserve airtime. The Dead Horse Award goes to the joke or meme that was piledriven into the ground. And the winner is the Leo-Doesn’t-Have-An-Oscar meme.
“Climate change is real…”
Leo this isn’t being shown on TV. And this award doesn’t go to you, it goes to the meme about you.
“We have to save this planet…”
The award for Least Trustful goes to my cats. They run away from strangers and I’m the only one that can pet them. It’s my superpower. They would come up for their award, but I can’t seem to find them. A close runner-up was Young Metro.
The award for Best Meal I Had This Week goes to Tommy’s Pizza. A small round plain pie and a half dozen mild wings. I will have to accept this award on its behalf.
The Best Blogger award goes to, if I’m reading this right, me! But wait hang on it seems Steve Harvey, runner-up for the Dead Horse Award, is coming to the stage with the actual card. It reads Anyone Else. I haven’t read Anyone Else’s blog, but I’m sure he or she or it must be very good to win a Jan Award.
The award for Most Enthusiastic Retail Employee goes to the Self-Checkout machine. Daniel-Day Lewis, in the form of a touch-screen computer that reads Start and I Brought My Own Bag is trying to come up to the stage to accept the award. He is stopped at the first stair.
And now we move on to the awards that deserve airtime. The awards you waited three hours for. Oh great now you sit down, Leo. Perfect.
It was a tight race for Best Actress, but I think there is only one nominee who deserved the award, and even though I was on the election committee, and I’m the only one on the committee, I don’t believe there is a bias. The Best Actress Award goes to my girlfriend, Danielle, in The Vegan. She began preparing for her role all the way in 2012! She got so into her role, she actually became a vegan. Such dedication, such skill.
And lastly, the award that everyone clamors for and is unanimously disappointed by the winner, the Best Actor award. I can already see him inching his way out of his seat. The Best Actor goes to Leonardo Dicaprio, for his role as an actor waiting to hear his name get called for Best Actor at the actual Oscars. He’s getting up. What will he talk about? The Environment? Let’s see.
“Th-th-thank you.” He says, bashfully. What a class act.