Some Star Wars Rumors To Spread Around

In three days, The Force Awakens comes out, and every entry-level nerd that lives within 1000 miles of a movie theatre or hasn’t received a cease-and-desist for pirating will clatter like a box of wind-up, chattering teeth.  Here are some rumors to throw around during the premiere.

Jar Jar Binks is in the movie, but not as who you’d expect– You think you’re fooling anyone, J.J. Abrams.  J. J, ABrams.  He practically spelled it out for us, that absolute madman.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens, directed by Jar Jar Binks.


Half of the movie is pod racing- Ody Mandrell, the sickest racer from the classic N64 game Star Wars: Episode 1 Racer gets higher billed than Harrison Ford.

It’s essentially a rehash of A New Hope- This is the only one that will come true.

It’s essentially a rehash of Phantom Menace- This is the one that I want to come true.

Triple-edged lightsabers- The stakes are high with this new movie.  The original trilogy had laser swords, the prequels had Darth Maul’s double-edged lightsaber.  This new movie will have some dude awkwardly swing around a double-edged lightsaber with another concentrated beam protruding perpendicular to the other two.  He will accidentally saber himself.

Wonder Woman will make an appearance– Or something like that.  Most blockbusters for the next fifteen years will all kind of blend together.

It’s actually a hardboiled detective story- Some years ago, Chancellor Palaptine electrocuted Mace Windu and sent him falling to his death.  Years later, John Boyega’s character sets out to uncover the murder mystery and why the city’s police force brushed it off.  And in classic fashion, someone is going to be someone else’s father.

Darth Vader faked his own death at the end of Return of the Jedi.  Years later, Han and Leia need a nanny and Vades decides to rekindle his relationship with his family, Mrs. Doubtfire style.   “I am your grandfather.”  Classic.

Who Is Snoke?- Allright guys, follow me here.  What word does snoke sound like?  Ssssnake.  Who likes snakes?  Lord Voldemort.  Star Wars/Harry Potter cross-over confirmed.

Movies that are not Star Wars related will be banned.  Movie theatres around the world will play TFA on repeat 24/7 until Episode VIII or any one of the Star Wars movies unrelated to the new trilogy is released.  People will rot in their cushioned seats or vibrate to puddles in D-Boxes.  The only survivors will be the cast, and even then they won’t be able to get work anywhere else.

That’s all I got for now.  Now go spread my misinformation or create your own.  Hey, you may even end up right on the money.

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