You see your ceiling? That’s what it would look like if you lived inside a centrifuge. Now get up. The fam is getting everything ready for Thanksgiving dinner.
What To Expect
Downstairs, your dad is dressed as a football, watching two teams he couldn’t give less of a shit about. Your dad doesn’t even like football, he just likes traditions. Next to him is your older brother, but you can call him Dr. Brother now; and your uncle or My Parent’s Son as your mother says. Speaking of, your mother is in the kitchen with your younger sister, a quad-lingual violin, cello, and kazoo virtuoso. Your mom dashes the turkey with love and maybe a few sprinkles of sweat. Meanwhile you come downstairs, eyes glossy and a now crusted film of vomit on your lower lip. There’s no room on the couch and your mom disbars you from the kitchen, so you finally put on a pair of pants and sit out on the porch.
Turkey, whatever is left of the Pocket Stuffing, can-shaped cranberry sauce, various greens, mashed potatoes. You retch at the sight of Pocket Stuffing.
Things People Will Say To You-
“Hey, you. And where’s your other half at?” Your mother asks rhetorically as your brother’s girlfriend and sister’s girlfriend arrive.
“So, you. Where you working at these days?” Your uncle mumbles through a mouth full of turkey mixed with Pinot Noir.
“So you’re in what, like ninth grade now?” Your brother asks with genuine curiosity, as he does during every family together since you were actually in ninth grade.
How Can You Survive This?
If there is one thing people love most, it’s discussions about controversial issues. Spice up your Thanksgiving dinner with a hot topic like the Syrian refugee crisis or why you truly believe in Trump 2016(Or Bernie Sanders, depending on your family dynamic). Get your uncle started on his divorce (he’s an uncle at your parent’s dinner, he’s 1000% divorced or soon-to-be). The point is to distract the family from their banal questions about you. When your mother has begun to hoard a fresh bottle of wine, with the far seeing look on her face as if she went into the future and realized this would be the last family Thanksgiving dinner, you know it’s a job well done. Sit back, relax, and watch as your family attempts to channel a banshee.
Why Did It Need To Come To This?
It’s 2015. We all know that Thanksgiving is just Black Friday Eve, or; Thanks for giving the deals! You gotta go. WalMart has a PS4, Sirloin Steaks, and Michelin’s bundle deal for 12 bucks. You can’t waste your time with family or eating.
You hitch a ride because you sold your car while you were drunk. It can’t get you within a half mile of a Black Friday deal. There are hordes of people shambling zombie-like to the yellow asterisk asshole symbol of WalMart and thousands of others sulking away. True refugees. At this rate you may never get that bundle or the thousands of other bundles constantly going on sale throughout the night. Whatever will you do? You should be grateful you have me.
What You’ll Need
- one blue shirt
- A frozen look of existential defeat
Lucky for you, you always have number three. What you’re going to want to do is put on the clothes and begin walking to the store. The crowd won’t part for you, but you will eventually get into the store no problem under the pretense of being a worker there. Simply walk through, repeating the words “I don’t know what that is” and “Idk, check customer service.” If you want a bigger haul, put on a blue button down and masquerade as a manager. If a worker questions you, give them the classic managerial response and ignore them. They will figure it out. Now go get that bundle, and maybe a haircut while you’re at it. Success, as long as you don’t get inadvertently sent to work register.
What would you have done without me? On Tuesday, you were just a sad sentient sack with no ambitions, content to coast through this holiday. Now you’re an anti-social, antagonistic, resourceful hero with a brand new PS4! Congratulations! Hey, when did your parents change the locks?