This weekend serves as the holiday catalyst. Three days of varying settings, structures, and mores. Let’s say you are a witless, gallivanting fool; a person that nods their head when they don’t know what’s going on; a person that instinctively replies “you too” when someone says “enjoy your food.” You won’t make it through this weekend without major social scarring. You need a guide. Luckily I, Professor Jan, armchair sociologist and survivor of 24 Thanksgivings, will be here to ensure your longevity starting with night one, which fortunately for you will be the night you remember least.
Drunksgiving or; Brown Wednesday, is the opener to Thanksgiving weekend. This is the one night of the year where college bars fill past capacity. Let’s say you’re a quiet type, the type of guy/girl/android whose social drinking is shower beers with an Adele mix on Vevo but you’re also the type who feels like they’ll miss out on things, no matter how terrible you know they will be. You’re going to want to go out, but what is the best way to do this? Here are some helpful tips.
Ordering Drinks– A line to Nondescript College Bar extends out the door. You look at your ID, an old one from when you thought long hair was a good idea taken the day after that wasp’s nest clasped around your head like a mask made of pulpy wood. You reach the bouncer. He takes your ID, looks at you, then back to the ID and back to you again. He hands your ID over without a word and you’re happy you got in but sad that he was able to positively ID you. You look over a sea of bobbing heads, hands with crumbled money and credit cards, and a thin layer of cigarette smoke, although you’re positive the state banned that practice years ago. You’re here to have fun, but if you order one drink at a time, there is a good chance that will be the only drink you get all evening. So, what should you do?
Order a surplus
You eventually get to the bar stand. You probably get looked over a couple, two, twenty times because you don’t like to assert yourself and also don’t enjoy shouting much. Finally, the bartender points at you to which you will rattle off as much alcohol as you can get out with one breath. The bartender gives you a bitter look but it’s okay. Think about it; it’s not like you will be the worst person they see tonight. They then hand you your drinks, and this is where my next helpful tip comes in handy.
You must down whatever you ordered as fast as possible. The quicker you consume, the more intoxicated you will be. The more intoxicated you’ll be, the better you’ll survive the common enemy of Drunksgiving (see SKfHS below). If you cannot keep up with the rapid fire, simply take your remaining alcohol and retreat to a far off corner by a dart board or pool table like Smaug from the Hobbit until you are ready.
Seeing Kids from High School-You’re sipping on your drink of choice, something apple-y or something with the word HARD in the beverage title. You’re in your little corner with your eyes closed, trying ever so hard to jam out to the 00s nostalgic pop-punk tune someone paid a dollar for, just to have it blocked out by…conversations(ugh). Speaking of conversations, here comes who’s-that-dude. You haven’t seen each other since the last college break that wasn’t summer, because who’s-that-dude lives in a house in the city that he was able to afford due to his latest successful entrepreneurial enterprise of having rich parents, and doesn’t need to come home anymore. Who’s-that-dude has more tone to his muscles than he did last time you saw him, and his jaw is so sharp it could cut it a diamond.
“Hey! You! How have you been?” He shouts and he moves is arms as such to let you know that.
“H-Hey! Good, I guess! You?” You yell back. You consciously hate this dude. Alackaday, drunk you does not.
“I’m doin’ ah right, man! I moved outta this place! I have an internship somewhere important! I technically don’t live here anymore, but come back to post degrading Facebook statuses about my hometown and the people that still live here!”
Sober you is returning. You have to get out of this conversation. But how? Remember the song you couldn’t hear, no matter how hard you tried?
Pretend You Can’t Hear Them
Start walking away. Gesture to your ear that you are unable to hear the person. Back away from them, mouthing things like “So sorry” and “Gosh, I just cannot hear you.” Do this until you have blended in to the crowd or backed into another person with several pitchers of beer just for themselves. There will be plenty more where Who’s-that-dude came from. Lather, rinse, repeat for the rest of the evening.
Food–You think getting a drink takes a long time? Try getting food. To be short, you won’t be able to. What you should do is, when no one at home is looking, take a handful of stuffing that is likely already premade, and shove them into your pockets for convenient eating on the go. The catch is that your stuffing pockets will make you desirable to people, so eat it post haste.
Getting Home– You drove your car to Nondescript College Bar. Everyone is leaving and you file out, not wanting to be the first to leave but definitely not the last. You leave the bar and start heading for your car, but then you remember that you are inebriated. ?????? My advice? Sell your car that night, because you may never be sober enough to drive again for the rest of your life. Call somebody, get home, and get into bed.
The Aftermath– You’re nearly asleep. Your bedroom is spinning. You have an empty trash can at your side for when you throw up whatever HARD drink you had and pocket stuffing. You don’t feel great now and you will feel so bad tomorrow that you’ll wish tonight was the last night of your life. But you’re not done yet, not by a long shot. You still have Thanksgiving to survive through.
Author’s Note: Part Two will be up tomorrow. Also, I am not promoting excessive drinking. Make good decisions. Also, I have a twitter, Follow me