Facebook sucks or, rather, people suck. Everybody has that person that toes the line between entertaining and incessant, aggravating and amusing. If you don’t have one of these people, go through your blocked friends and unblock them. Their contempt and naiveté will override how annoying they really are. Here are the six annoying people you meet on Facebook.
1) The Itinerary
This person wants you to know everything they plan on doing for the indefinite future. They reveal everything about their day/week/year/life aside from exact addresses, which they then use GPS tagging. A status from this person goes something like this:
Busy day! Shopping at WalMart, Kmart, S-Mart, and J-Mart. Then heading to the little brother’s soccer game at the Very Specific Park. The ‘rents aren’t home so I’ll have to remember that the passcode to disable security at our house is 2222.
You want to make god laugh? Make your Facebook public and post your plans.
2) The Guy/Girl looking To Chill, Or, The Guy/Girl That Supposedly Has No Friends
This poor sap spends every day and night alone, wallowing in their own self-fulfilled misery. At least that is what they want you to think. This person has friends but they post a status like “anyone wanna chill” which is their roundabout way of saying “Would anyone of the opposite sex be willing to present themselves to me?” This is a status that goes unliked. The Person That Supposedly Has No Friends, in a Shamalaynian twist, actually does have friends but those friends have done something trivial to upset the posting party. A status from them goes like:
Ugh. Where are my REAL friends at?
This is followed by a multitude of comments saying “what’s wrong dude/girlie?” And, because these people are not the target of this status, they are left with a lone reply, nothing.
3) The Hometown Hater
It’s not weird to move. It is weird to carry a grudge against the town your parents chose to birth you in. This person could be at the South Pole, surrounded my thousands of miles of ice and cold, and they would find an ice-cube computer and post something like:
It’s cold. But not as cold as My Hometown. Seriously, fuck that place.
This person uses their social media time to remind anyone that still lives at or near where they used to live that they exist in nothing more than a sophisticated hobo camp. Most of their hatred stems from the group of friends they had in high school.
4) The Hashtag Activist
This person just picked up a newspaper or attended a gathering their freshman year of college. They just don’t have a cause, man. They have a way of life, whether it combats racism, sexism, classism, ageism, speciesism, veganism, or any number of –isms. This person’s motto is “This is important.” They would do more besides posting pro-cause links and witty hashtags, but they’re just, like, so busy right now? They blow up your feed, hoping that if they berate you enough, you’ll think “hey, they’re right!”
5) Dudes That Comment On Girl’s Cleavage Pics
Do some girls post pictures solely for male attention? I’m sure they do but I am more focused on the comment crusaders. Everybody has at least one girl on Facebook that likes to post pictures. Sometimes these pictures contain the girl’s cleavage. These pics are followed by a couple dozen comments from dudes saying things as simple as Beautiful and some are more direct, saying something like Wow! Tits! Occasionally the girl will thank them. This is the social media equivalent of the dude that thinks their server/bartender is into them. (True story: A girl on my Facebook would do this and get 130 likes and 70 comments from weird dudes. Then she would post a pic of newborn child and get like 7 likes. Priorities, I guess.)
6) The Promoter
This douche just made a blog and constantly posts the link with a caption that says something like Hey, guys! Check out my blog! And because you don’t know this person, you don’t care what they have to say about Jurassic Park or the passing of his dog.
Facebook is a cess-pool of human thought. Tread lightly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to repost a meme about how it’s racist to remove the Confederate flag.