Dr. Jan’s Four Steps For Healthy Teeth

I just got back from a dentist appointment.  My dentist said I have “very nice” teeth before going into his office to frame my X-Ray.  People never ask me, “John, how do you have such beautiful teeth?” They should.  I’ve never had a cavity and my wisdom teeth are mostly good.  Here is my secret to beautiful teeth.


Four out of five dentists recommend you brush your teeth twice a day.  I choose to listen to that other guy.  The guy who stands up to the toothpaste lobbyists.  I brush my teeth every morning and that’s it.  I like to think of plaque buildup as a buildup of character as well.  Brushing twice a day makes teeth weak.  It strips them of their character.  We’ll be a society of gummy freaks by 2050.


I always found that by simply telling people that you floss, it makes your teeth healthier.  Who wants to take the time and stick a minty string between your teeth? The only string I’m putting in my mouth is string cheese. Bonus points if you have a Waterpik, whether it is opened, unopened or in your Amazon wish list.


Every home has a green bottle of minty Hell that is perpetually half-full.  Toss that Listerine into the trash and replace it with a nice, cold can of Coca-Cola.  The sugar puts up a protective, slimy layer around your teeth, which in turn fights off the bacteria. If Coke can clean the rust off pennies or peel paint, therefore it can clean your teeth.


Reiterating what I said before, plaque buildup also builds up character.  You’re going to want a treat along with that Coke.  I recommend a chocolatey, peanut buttery snack.  I eat a bag of Reese’s Miniatures every week.  Any chocolate candy will do, but you must implement Reese cups into your regimen.   I also recommend coupling this with a box or twelve of Gushers.  DON’T EAT VEGETABLES.  Vegetables come from the ground.  So does Satan and Marijuana.


Follow these fool-proof steps and you will have perfect teeth in no time at all.  You may also come down with diabetes and heart disease, but your smile will brighten a room and even give said room a deep yellow tinge.

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