What Men Want

Inspired by this lovely article: http://elitedaily.com/dating/what-men-want-7-traits-men-look-for-in-the-lady-of-their-dreams/1015321/

Every day, women are rising up and feeling more and more empowered.  For us, bros, it’s a scary world to be in.  I, personally, quiver under my bed.  I spray three bottles of Axe Body Spray along the door to keep the matriarchy out.  But that shouldn’t stop me or other men from dating women, right?  Surely there must be some out there unaffected by this blight of independence.  Here are the 7 things men want in a woman.


Every guy wants a lady to call their own, to caress and pet and take on walks when she has to make.  Alas, this is becoming more of a struggle every day. I had and continue to have women crawling over me wherever I go but unfortunately their character was as unappealing as a shitty simile.

You see, there’s this prevailing myth that women like to look good, and at the end of the day they are trying to look good for themselves.  I’m here to tell you that’s bollocks, brah.  They do it just for us.

But they don’t have to.  You see, a gentleman like myself doesn’t care about what you look like.  You don’t have to doll yourself up to impress me because, if I’m impressed, then other people are, too.  And you shouldn’t be out trying to impress other people.

You know that girl you act like when you’re around people you’ve known for a long time and are completely comfortable with?  Be like that with me, a total stranger you just met.


Okay, well maybe you should dress up sometimes.  I don’t want to be dating a complete slob.

But also, have you heard of this neat thing called “Facebook”? I creep on every potential mate.  Every beach pic, formal dance, wedding, parade, and funeral you’ve been to since you made your account back in 2007.  And what you post says a lot about you.

You see, guys don’t want a girl who feels the need to go out all the time with her “friends” or “parents.” Guys want a girl that doesn’t have friends.  You wouldn’t buy a dog if he had another owner, am I right? Guys like a girl who just likes to be inside, reading a book.  But not too big of a book, but I’ll get to that.


If I could describe one animal I want my future partner to be, it would be a remora.  Or maybe a leech or a tick.  Men want a woman that will cling to them and pretty much touch them wherever on demand.


Oh man, don’t you love it when a woman is smart?  I love intelligent women.  But only if they’re not as intelligent as I.  That book you were reading before better be Tales From Wayside School or else we’re not going to work.

Men like a woman who doesn’t care about the stereotypical things girls like, like One Direction and makeup.  A woman should be open-minded. An ideal woman should be forced to watch everything I like without complaint or hesitation.

And the best part is that it doesn’t require an Ivy League education!  Weird, I’ve never met anyone that went to an Ivy League school.


There’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.  And if you can manage to be confident without having any friends, no nice clothes and constantly trying to keep up with my endless demands, then more power to you.  No, not more literal power, sweetie.

Stop focusing on all your physical flaws.  It doesn’t matter if beauty standards are being warped by skinnier models and Photoshop.  If I don’t notice, you don’t notice it either.


Wait, am I sure about this?  After all that’s been said, do I still want a woman to be ambitious?

Eureka!  Scientists say that we only exist to procreate.  An ideal woman would be ambitious enough to cultivate my seed to further my sad blood line.  An ideal woman will stay home and watch the seed grow while I stay out and do all my man stuff.  An ideal woman will accept that I want no part in this aside from the super cool, sexing part.

And besides, she’s ambitious.  She’ll make it work with or without me.


The best woman is a company woman.   A woman who will do everything for her man before doing anything for herself.  Luckily she’ll be so downtrodden and subordinate by this point that she will actually feel good about this.


So there you have it.  The 7 undeniable traits that men look for in women.  I will be accepting Facebook requests (resumes) as well as Twitter cover letters.

3 thoughts on “What Men Want

  1. Pingback: An Open Letter To My Jans – Tuesdays With Jan

  2. Pingback: A Beginner’s Guide To Tuesdays With Jan | Tuesdays With Jan

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